Skip to main content

On Feeling Broken

A little over eight months ago, I wrote a post titled, "On Cancer and Its Ugliness." Tonight, really, I find myself torn, broken, and overjoyed.

I breathed a sigh of relief and exclaimed a "Thank you, Jesus" as I realized that Kevin is cancer free. At the end of a very long day, it was the news I was hoping and praying for. Praise the LORD for his faithfulness and answered prayer. A little while later, I saw the post on Facebook from Kevin, and again, I could do nothing but smile.

As I refreshed my news feed though, I literally cried out to God. It is amazing how quickly our attitudes toward cancer can change. On one hand, I am so happy. On the other, I am numb. Sweet Molly is quickly losing her battle, and although I have never met this friend of a friend, I could do nothing but cry bitter, angry tears. Molly, just eight short months ago was a healthy, happy five year old. DIPG is quickly claiming her life, and I just can't stop asking, "Why, God? Why?" The survival rate for DIPG is basically zero percent. Most people, after diagnosis, don't live past eighteen months. No cure.

In August 2012, I remember when Riley lost his battle after bravely fighting for thirteen months with DIPG.

Molly Dolly, how my heart breaks for you, sweet girl! I keep trying to remind myself that Molly KNOWS her God, thus, there's nothing to fear. She will be cancer-free walking the streets of gold with her Heavenly Father.

The whole thing, though makes me sick to my stomach! Why Molly? Why the Little family? Must they go on without their baby girl? Six is too young- her innocence is refreshing. Why must she endure such a battle? Why should they be talking about hospice?

Like I said, I have never met Molly Little, but I was one of the first to follow her story. Just yesterday, I looked up "DIPG survivors." Out of the 20+ kids on the survivor page, only one of them is actually still living. In the back of my mind, I knew that Molly's end was near. The cancer is progressing even more rapidly than little Riley's. Still, I held onto the hope that today's MRI might show something miraculous.

Just yesterday, I made the decision to donate money to Molly and her family. Little did I know that just 12 hours later, I'd be chosen as the winner of one of two iPad minis as a ewsult. It almost makes me sick, honestly.

I just can't help but be so angry right now. Rather than continue with the negativity, I'm choosing to end with this:

We will never know when we'll take our last breath, we'll never know the trials we'll face in this journey called life. Appreciate those in your life, love even when it's the hardest thing you'll do, cherish the little moments- the Skype dates, the text messages, and the phone calls. Hold onto all of it. In the blink of an eye, it could all be gone.


Comments

Unknown said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
February 3, 2015 at 9:22 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On 2022

It feels like 2022 just began, but soon it will be gone. I think back to the first half of the year and seem to remember being a bit more relaxed than I am at this moment. In the second half of this year, it's as if I became a different person in ways that I didn't anticipate. I found myself even more aware of the preciousness of life, and in some ways, the true finality of life has terrified me. Is that healthy? Probably not, but it's where my heart is. I found myself developing even deeper relationships with my parents, truly appreciating their presence in my life on a different level. Conversations with my grandparents are sweeter than before May 10th. As I write this, I am realizing I don't remember my last conversation with my Grandpa and that saddens me to my core. There have been some truly sweet memories made this year- ones I hope to remember for years to come. Times with the kiddos in my life have been bittersweet- moments reminding me of my desire to have kid...
Post a Comment
Read more

On 2025

 In 2025, fear and frustration, anxiety, and uncertainty have crept in. I’ve struggled with trusting God during the hard and scary moments. Even still, He is faithful. When I’ve had questions, I’ve heard no audible response, but I am comforted by His quiet strength and reassurance. He remains on the throne and none of what has or will happen to Jessica Dineen is a surprise to Him. I am thankful for my quiet time with Him, reading His Word, pleading for guidance and wisdom. God is in control, His time may not be mine, but somehow He will work everything out. Along the way, I reman immeasurably blessed by the people in my life. I have a loving family, deep friendships, a fulfilling career, and so many other things. Even in the hard, I remain rich with all that is good in my life. Here’s to a 2026 blessed by God in a way that only He can.
Post a Comment
Read more

On This Messy Life

 I recently learned of a young woman who intentionally drove her power wheelchair into the lake in Edinboro. This woman, not much older than myself, whom I did not know, has been on my mind nonstop. I suppose it is because of the parallels in our lives: age, cerebral palsy, Edinboro, some of the same interests, etc. It's haunting in many, many ways. My heart breaks for her and her family. The demons of life must have been too much, but I pray that she knew Jesus, for now she is resting in His arms- able to walk and move freely without the struggles of disability. If I could talk to her, I think this is what I would say: As you were wheeling around Edinboro that day, I wish someone could have known you needed to be heard. Did you have an opportunity to call someone? Did you send a text message to a friend? As the pressures of life boiled over, could you feel His presence surround you? With your last breath, with your last thought, did you want to fight? I'm sorry that you felt a...
Post a Comment
Read more