On 2020

This year, it was so easy to get caught up in the hard, but I have realized that only focusing on the hard meant missing the joy- the little things that turned into the big things, the seemingly unimportant moments that quickly turned into life-changing moments.

I remember so many laughs in January. 

I remember allowing myself to dream. 

I remember allowing myself to relax. 

I remember many phone conversations filled with laughter, realizing yet again that friendship has a healing power; I remember being terrified that I was going to mess something up (sometimes I still am).

In February, I remember anxiety surrounding my living situation.

I remember a birthday chat with my sweet R, thankful that I have such a sweet relationship with her, and grateful that at 12 years old she thinks it's still cool to talk to me.

I remember so many conversations with one of my girls as she transitioned into motherhood, encouraging her as she navigated a difficult relationship, reminding her that she deserves to be truly loved. Throughout this entire year, whether it has been as a result of conversations with her or her sisters, I have been amazed at just how far they have come in 18 years. Maybe this year more than any year since knowing them, I have been reminded just how badly I yearn to be a Mom. They are my angels, and for the last 18 years I have fought for them and loved them- they give my life meaning. 

I remember beginning to proofread and honestly loving it!

I remember a Saturday with a sweet girl who now has a piece of my heart- who loves cows and puzzles and cooking and games and Netflix and late nights. She has changed my life in a profound, unexplainable way. 

I remember the tears in March with this sweet girl, but I remember the hugs, too.

I remember finally getting a new wheelchair. 

I remember banana bread before the world lost its mind.

I remember the 16 days with my Mom, grateful for the opportunity to stay with her as everything with COVID unfolded and was constantly changing.

I remember countless conversations throughout 2020 with my best friend, not to mention the teary Marco Polos. I remember being grateful for her presence in my life at the end of 2019, but as 2020 unfolded, truly understanding what this friendship means to me- recognizing, maybe for the first time, what an authentic, genuine friendship looks like.

I remember the chats with a friend about Dr. Levine and Governor Wolf and the absolute craziness we found ourselves in. Conversations that have continued each week, sometimes each day. This friend is one of the reasons I have made it this long in the craziness that has been 2020- laughing about our Edinboro days and relationship woes. If not for this craziness, I don't think we would be as close as we are nine months later.

I remember the beginning of a truly beautiful friendship- one I am eternally grateful for nine months later. She has been one of the most consistently present friends in my life this year! I am reminded of our conversations about life and work and Warren- mindful of the tremendous impact she has had on my life in 2020. Our conversations during the work day have kept me grounded in so many ways.

I remember regular consistent chats with my dear friend and mentor all throughout the year- holding onto a time when we would chat each Friday, yearning often to go back to when I sat in her office processing life and talking about hopes and dreams. I owe her so much, even 13 years later. I pray that I never lose sight of the value of this friendship in my life.

I remember sending a birthday gift to one of the best since we couldn't see each other at the end of March for her birthday.

I remember so many tears in April and conversations that sustained me in a big way. A phone call, FaceTime, Skype - grateful for each one, yet somehow often sadder than I was before the call when each came to an end. I remember long days and even longer nights, unsure of what the next day would bring- overwhelmed and uncertain of the seriousness of COVID.

I remember opening the door to the possibility of becoming a foster parent in the future.

I remember many lunches with my sister, grateful our chapters intertwined as they did for almost two years.

I remember May was filled with anxiety, overloaded emotions, birthday dinners, and surprises, cards, ice cream, gifts, smiles, and laughter.

I remember Mother's Day with my Mom- sweet memories and yummy food.

I remember sweet visits with my baby brother.

I remember a wonderfully laughter, sometimes teary filled extended visit with my sweet cow-loving favorite brat, mixed with lots of Netflix, card games, and yummy treats.

I remember saying yes to something that absolutely terrified me- knowing that I could do it, but nervous nonetheless. 

I remember that first weekend in June. I remember the glass falling off the table. But I remember the adventures more than anything- the 5:30AM wake-up, the cheeseburger, the best chicken ever, the shower that nearly flooded my bathroom, the tears of gratitude that I couldn't stop, because I was doing this, and doing it well, regardless of my struggles, and the naysayers in my life who doubted me. I remember the random conversations about birth Moms, and Dads in jail. I remember the pudding and the subsequent meltdown, but also the joy afterwards.

I remember being reminded yet again how uncertain life truly is and the importance of telling those in my life what they mean to me because life is so short, and in an instant, can be gone.

I remember Father's Day with my Daddy.

I remember trusting and trying to have difficult conversations, terrified.

I remember a July that included house-hunting and beginning to make my dreams a true reality.

I remember birthday parties for my baby brother- blessed that he is my brother, mindful of a time when I struggled with his existence.

I remember birthday chats with my favorite brat because she wanted to make sure I would be at her party.

I remember  a midweek visit filled with mining and pudding and ice pops and lots and lots and lots of tape, Happy meals and Lunchables, Connect Four, and pure joy.  

I remember ST Math and Zoom classes. 

I remember crickets and crazy text messages and the beginning of a crazy friendship.

I remember August visits with my brother and hugs from my parents. 

I remember card games and puzzles and chocolate lava cakes and pizza.

I remember having a roommate on paper for about a week.

I remember saying goodbye to that roommate as she traveled to the other side of the world beginning the next chapter of her life.    

I remember that weekend in September. The pudding, the Happy Meal, the free, sweetest hugs. I remember the meltdown. I remember the joy. I remember the popcorn. I remember the sweetest, genuine desire to work with the homeless and to be a bodybuilder.

I remember loving connecting to my cousin on a regular basis as she transitioned into her professional career- conversations I very much looked forward to and cherished.

I remember feeling so accomplished that I finally read the entire Bible. I am so grateful for my faith and the love of Jesus, the miracle of His Resurrection, His salvation, and what that represents for us.

I remember October scavenger hunts and tackles by my brother.

I remember surprise gifts and a box of sunshine.

I remember Halloween treats.

I remember a November of gratitude.

I remember a lazy day with my favorite brat.

I remember watching football with family.

I remember fun, silly, and sweet birthday chats with JH and J, who, like their sister, also think it's cool to still talk to me. I am immeasurably blessed that I have such a close relationship with each of them. 

I remember my absolute meltdown in November- the stubbornness, the glass, the tears, the yelling, yearning to take a breath, needing to escape.

I remember yummy food, laughter, and easy conversations.

I remember the silliness of prepping for my Christmas card with my sweet Kitty girl- my love for her is deep and I am blessed that she is mine to love.

I remember the coloring, the pizza, the happy meal, and movies.

I remember the joy of December.

I remember cinnamon rolls and breakfast.

I remember the joy in finding the perfect gifts.

I remember dropping gifts off unannounced and stealing hugs.

I remember waking up on a Friday morning saddened by an all-too real dream, yearning to be a Mom.

I remember the 11 minute phone call with my Grammy, holding back tears.

I remember reminiscing about talking in water with my favorite great-Aunt, reenacting those silly moments from my childhood, brought to tears because I miss her so.

I remember the smiles and the thank you's and the excitement.

I remember Christmas Eve and my brother's innocence about my wheelchair and disability.

I remember laughter and hugs and sweet kisses.

I remember game nights and Christmas Eve services.

I remember the laughter at Christmas dinner that literally took my breath away.

I remember being so thankful that our Dineen Family Christmas happened, almost as normal as in years past, grateful for the laughter, the games, the togetherness, during a time when we all desperately needed that one piece of normal during a year that has been filled with such uncertainty.

I remember deleting one more social media account in an attempt to stay present in the here and now, striving to do more of what makes me look at my phone (and computer) less. There is real freedom in that, real security.

I remember a lazy day filled with laughter and snores and Netflix and sparkling grape juice, blessed to end 2020 in that fashion, blown away by all the amazing that has happened in between the hard.

God has placed incredible people in my life always, but especially this year, and if not for them, I am certain that I would not be the person I am today looking ahead to 2021. For all of the ugliness, there has been beauty. For all of the insecurity, there has been unexpected security. For the many tears, there has been so many more laughs.

I opened up in 2020, I allowed myself to be vulnerable in many terrifying ways. I allowed myself to dream and take steps to realize those dreams. I took steps to stop obsessing. 

No matter what 2021 brings, I will always remember 2020. It is the year that changed my life in a truly significant way. Beyond COVID, beyond masks, beyond working from home, beyond the meltdowns and uncertainty. Perhaps the longest 12 months of my life, but definitely the best 12 months in so many ways. I never would have imagined having such strong feelings, very positive and very negative, in a single year.

May we all look forward to the year ahead and the promise of growth it can bring each of us. We are worth it. Always.