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On Grace

 I've wanted to write this for so long, but the words never come. It's as if writing this means saying hello to the new, but also with that comes a goodbye I'm not sure my heart can handle. God has been working on my heart for over a year, beginning first with the unexpected death of my Grandpa, but culminating in a very unexpected conversation which reminded me in a very real way that I was running from God, that my heart was no longer "in" my relationship with Christ: realizing that Jesus was the furthest thing from the center of my life, realizing that my testimony was effectively down the drain, not because I was living in some gross sin, but because I was living a very lukewarm version of Christianity. As I went to bed that night, I wept for what was to come, for what I knew I needed to do.

It's amazing how when our hearts are right with God, when we have a desire to live for Him, we see life through that lens, how when we are vulnerable, our hearts can heal in a way we didn't realize they needed healed. It can be overwhelming, but truly beautiful. 

In each stage of life, I believe that God brings exactly who we need (even when we are running far from Him). During each of these, He places people in our lives either for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. As I have recommitted my life to Christ, God has placed incredible people in my life, and for that I will forever be grateful. Over the last few months, I have wept for this time away from Him. The shame I feel can be debilitating, as it has been, especially this week. Sometimes all we need is a bossy friend to remind us that the Lord left us the Comforter, but that it is up to us to accept that comfort. Sometimes we need reminded that God's ways are better than ours, and that when we know a door must close, a new one will always open. On the other side of the door, someone will be there, someone better for us in our new stage of life- and it's up to us to decide- will they be in our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? Something tells me that our new bossy friends are in it for the long haul, for a lifetime, and for that I am very blessed. 

I wish that I could roll the curtain back again
Rewind the hands of Father time.
There's so much more that I would do and I would say
But all I really have is today.

So, here I am, Use me, Lord, give me words to sing and say
Let me love, let me live, let me give myself away
Use my hands, use my feet, and all I have is yours complete
Let my life be a reflection of your grace
I can't go back, but I can live for you today.

There are so many things I wish I could redo
And Lord, I've even failed You too
If life were just a show, I think I'd hit rewind
But I can't refill The Hourglass of time.

So, here I am, Use me, Lord, give me words to sing and say
Let me love, let me live, let me give myself away
Use my hands, use my feet, and all I have is yours complete
Let my life be a reflection of your grace
I can't go back, but I can live for you today.


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