Just a Thought or Two

Thirty-six hours and I still haven't cried, yet that's all I want to do. I guess two falls in three weeks will do that to a girl who is terrified of doing the littlest things while alone. I suppose this is my way to process the emotions I cannot verbalize. It is during these times that I become furious and very easily frustrated. Tonight, I debated whether or not to take my shower before I went to bed or in the morning- at this point I don't feel comfortable doing either one for fear of what could happen. And honestly, I simply do not have the emotional or physical energy to want to try. More so than ever before, I am fearful of living on my own. It tires me out more than I care to admit and is a constant reminder of the limitations I have. I don't know why, but I would much rather struggle on the floor for hours rather than ask someone for help. I guess maybe it's the embarrassment I feel coupled with the fact that I don't want to be a bother. But these two th...

I'm not sure why, but these last 24 hours have been difficult. There are certain things that will always be a challenge for me- and most, if not all- are compounded by the fact that I live in such a rural area. Some days, all I can do is ask for patience, grin and bear it, and move on. Others, like today, all I want to do is demand life be easier for countless people with disabilities- specifically regarding housing, reliable transportation, bigger bathrooms- these are just a few of the things that have really irritated me lately, and usually none of this bothers me except for being an annoyance that I have always and will continue to deal with. As I was about to lose it again for the tenth time tonight, I quickly snapped back to reality as I was reminded of a conversation I had with my uncle. You see, four years ago his life was turned upside down as a result of a bicycle accident. He is now classified as a quadriplegic as a  result of swerving to avoid hitting a deer and lying ...

Most often, I don't stay in a "woe is me" attitude for long, but tonight, once again, here I am. As I was wondering about area sled-hockey teams, I did some digging and stumbled upon this old picture. Man, do I miss those days! I love hockey, but I love sled-hockey even more! It's been a good number of years since I've played, but out on that ice, I had so much fun while also getting a lot of great exercise! Out there on the ice, I felt like a regular kid doing a "normal" activity. I remember cruising up and down the ice or in the gym, going as fast as I could, slamming hockey pucks against the boards, spinning in circles, taking shots, and many other things- for a couple hours on Tuesday nights I did what most kids do- play a sport that I loved. For three years, I played in the summer and winter. It was a huge commitment on my Mom's part, and for that I will forever be grateful. Some days, I would do anything to have the opportunity to take ...

Seven months ago when embarking on this journey, I never would have guessed that one of my biggest struggles week-to-week would be getting to church. Never in a million years did I think that it would be so difficult. After all, for seven years while in Edinboro, I can count on my hand the times that I wasn't able to get a ride. Most often when I didn't go, it was because I made the choice not to attend. This post is not so much about missing church tomorrow, though. Rather, during situations such as this, I find myself really struggling with the fact that I do not have the ability to drive. It makes me angry even though I have no control over it. On nights like this, I feel isolated and helpless. I often wonder what it feels like to be spontaneous. To just be able to get up and go to the store, to visit a friend, head to church, etc. I pray that God would give me peace about it all. I hate ending anything on a sad note. Despite not having the ability to drive, feeling is...

Tomorrow we enter the 25th year of the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). As a result of this landmark legislation, the playing field has been leveled for people with disabilities. Contrary to popular belief, the main focus was not accessibility, but employment. Along with that though, in conjunction, public places were required to consider people with disabilities when building, remodeling, etc. Most importantly, it entitled that I and all others with disabilities have a fair shot when obtaining employment. It is not affirmative action. It does not guarantee that I will get a job over someone who does not have a disability. One aspect that often gets overlooked when discussing the ADA is the important piece about providin g accommodations. The law states that in order to perform the essential functions of the job, employers must provide reasonable accommodations.  How was that for a brief history lesson? Until you know, wait let me qualify that, until...

A month later, the "see you later" was a bit overwhelming. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of tears as I sat in my office overwhelmed by it all. It only got worse when I looked at the clock and realized I had an hour and a half to go before I could go home. And still worse as I had to wait 30 minutes for my ride home. More time for me to realize that life must go on. Honestly, all I want to do is cry- but I'm done. I refuse to succumb to the sadness that hits me at the oddest times. God is still in control- he will wipe my tears and hold me when all I can do is fall on my knees and pray. On a lighter, happier note...okay, I have nothing but this: when you feel sad and down, just remember that sometimes all you can do is laugh- whether intentionally or not, laughter is an amazing thing. Never ever forget that- there is always something we can laugh about.  Enjoy the ones God has placed in your life- cherish them, love them, support them in their ti...

I spent the holiday weekend with some amazing friends. It was an unbelievable weekend filled with lots of laughter, a few tears, and memories I will never forget! I am blessed with incredible friends- this weekend defined friendship for me- real, genuine, be-there-till-the-end friendship. Some have tried to tell me that spending the weekend in a house that isn't accessible is too much work for anyone to deal with. I know it wasn't easy, but it was so worth it- if nothing else, it was good exercise! If I didn't go anywhere unless it was accessible, I'd have no life. Friendship isn't always about needing to do something. It's about spending time with the ones we love- people who value   you as their friend. Just taking it easy and enjoying each other's company. Being open and honest, straightforward and genuine. Friendship is being there for each other- through the good and the bad, no matter the distance or the all-too-soon "see you later." Frie...

This morning I found myself frustrated as I realized that I had an accident- thanks CP for the weak bladder- Depends are this girl's best friend, especially considering how much I laugh! Oh, well, life goes on- just another thing I will always have to deal with. As I was eating lunch this afternoon, I found myself confident that I was in fact in God's will. A great church, a great job, great coworkers- the best I could ask for- and an exciting possibility at work that would literally make such a difference in my life. An hour later I found myself questioning everything. "Is this really where I'm supposed to be?" "Why would God seemingly close this door- a logical next step?"I honestly am so confused more often than not anymore and I'm tired of it in more ways than one. I'll keep going and trust that it will work out because He guides my footsteps. More than anything, I pray for wisdom and discernment. Pray with me, friends? I found out that...

Tonight I spent time on the phone with one of the most amazing friends I will ever have. She called terrified, scared, and overwhelmed- Lyss is unsure of anything at this point. Can she handle living on her own? How will she get to work? Can she handle the stress of a new job- her first real job? This post is not really about her next chapter, but instead how she got to where she is today. Cancer. Such an ugly thing- and this is my attempt to write about something that no one really likes to talk about. As I listened to Lyss stress, I wanted to weep. Like, really sob for her. At eight years old, she found herself in the midst of a journey that would forever change her life, I didn't know her prior to or during her fight with cancer, but cancer changed Lyss. In all of her struggles she has persevered in so many ways! Despite her challenges, she manages to never give up, despite the tears and many frustrations, she does an amazing job day in and day out! Many tend to easily become ...

I can't drive and I'm okay with that- most of the time. Today my driving ability- or lack thereof- was  brought up again as it often is because every other sentence out of my mouth usually is "I can't drive!" As I sit here tonight, I can't help but laugh hysterically about my inability to drive. Seriously, it is funny! Here are a few of my favorites that showcase that: The time I straddled the curb/road as a brand new freshman at Edinboro as I fell off the sidewalk because of my poor depth perception. There I was, lost (not saying much because I have no sense of direction whatsoever)! Overwhelmed at this point, I just wanted to go home- furious- I did not want to go where I was going. Okay, so now that we've set the "feeling" stage. It was an early Tuesday evening in Edinboro- near a cluster of academic buildings- there was not one soul around as I wandered aimlessly. Picture this- me in a power chair that I've had less than a week. All o...

I woke up this morning looking forward to chili for dinner tonight. Was out of bed, ready to prep the chili by 6:30. This gives me an hour to prep everything and get ready for the day which should have been okay because I showered last night. Wrong. Dead. Wrong. I often forget in the rush of the morning, that everything takes me forever! I took the meat out of the fridge and began breaking it up. That in it self took about 20 minutes- 20 minutes! Yikes, Jess, this is not going to be your day! Opened my cupboard, grabbed beans, diced tomatoes, etc. Another couple minutes because I had a hard time reaching what I needed- another post in itself! Attempted to open said beans and tomatoes via my electric can opener. And guess what? Spent another 20 minutes trying to open ONE can. Couldn't do it. Not even a crack in the lid. None. Zilch. For those of you keeping time, it is now 7:10. In fury, I get dressed, prepare for the day. In my chair. I head for the door, frustrated with no lun...

I woke up this morning with one thought- I am getting old! One of my girls turned 16 today and in just a few days, her sisters will turn 17! You see, I first met these angels when I was 13. At the time, they were on the verge of turning four and five. For me, it was love at first sight. I've always connected very well with kids and there was just something about the three of them. I soon learned that life was not easy for them. Their Daddy was not the nicest to them and their Mom tended to be very loud at times. Often I was horrified by what I witnessed and heard each weekend when spending time with my Dad. I quickly began spending each waking moment with them- laughing and talking to them, tickling and giggling, holding, hugging. They loved sitting on my lap and pushing me in my chair. I loved getting to know them, simply listening, taking it all in, and offering them stability and normalcy. We would spend many hours outside in the summer, at the playground, taking walks, being ...

Today certainly didn't start how I thought it would! Isn't it amazing how we become so easily swayed by events? It's not very often that I'm left speechless, but tonight as I reflect on the day, I just don't have anything to say. For whatever reason, I'm having a very hard time articulating my thoughts, but I think it boils down to this: after I begin to get close to people and open up, become friends with them, etc. I don't think I know how to be a friend, especially after a "goodbye." Not a real goodbye, per se, but I guess more of a change, if that makes sense? Because of various events over the years, I'm always worried about becoming a burden. I honestly don't know what a real friendship actually looks like anymore, and as a result, tend to shy away from further contact. I know this probably makes no sense. Trust me, I'm just as confused! Right now, this is what I need to do to process the events of the day. I don't like en...

I had the opportunity to go home this past weekend in order to say goodbye to my sister who is heading off to Nebraska in just a few days. When in church on Sunday morning, something  was said that I just can't let go. "How will people remember you at your funeral? What will be the first thing that is said about you?" Although I have heard this many times over the years, it really hit me this time. If I were to die tonight, would you remember me as a Christian who seven years ago rededicated her life to the Lord, someone who's shared the gospel with you, no matter what the cost? Up until about a year ago, this was the case. I venture to say, actually I know , some of you have never heard me talk about my faith. This is something that is very unsettling to me. When in the world did I stop caring about someone's eternal future? Is my faith really that embarrassing to me? Sure, I still have my standards and convictions. Most of you know  that I am a Christian, ...

In my  experience, and that of those who I've talked to, many individuals with disabilities struggle to relate or connect to their peer group. As a child growing up, I always preferred to talk to th ose who were older than I was. Don't get be wrong, I had friends my age for sure, but  by and large if put in a group of people, I will automatically gravitate toward older people. By older, I mean 10+ years my senior. I just really struggle to relate to my peers. I really, really try, and that makes it all the more frustrating! When going through school, especially in high school, it really began to hit me that I was socially awkward in this way. I found myself getting so caught up in relationships. I really thought that my teachers were some of my closest friends. It was so very hard for me to realize that these incredible people who I will forever be grateful for, were my mentors, not my friends. At this point, I am blessed to say that some of those relationships h...

The last six months have brought countless changes my way and I guess maybe this blog is my way to voice my  thoughts on such things as faith, friends, disability, and life. In writing this blog, my intent is not to build myself up or get people to feel bad for me. It is simply my way of expressing my thoughts. I hope and pray that by reading this, you will be pointed toward Jesus Christ, that you will more easily appreciate the little things in life, and maybe come away with the ability to laugh a little easier, even when life gets tough.