Just a Thought or Two

It has been quite awhile since blogging, and I need to release in the way that writing allows me to do. Tonight as I reflect on these two years of constant, exhausting change, I am ever reminded that change is in fact everywhere whether I like it or not. Two years ago tonight, I was worried about where I would live in Erie as an intern, how in the world could I afford an unpaid internship? The next morning as my phone rang, I knew what was about to happen as I saw the number come up as DuBois, PA. I could hardly contain my excitement, fear, and surprise as I was offered a paid internship. In that moment, in those few seconds it took me to accept the offer, I was already doubting my  decision. As I told my Mom and she told me she was excited for me, as she told me I better not screw this up, I was so scared. This most likely would turn into a full-time position- was I ready? I remember making call after call for the next two weeks as I desperately searched for an apartment and...

As we approach the end of National Disability Employment Awareness Month (NDEAM), let me take a few minutes to share what employment means to me. My very first job didn't come until the summer of 2010 as I ended my junior year in college. I was so excited. You see, I had longed for this opportunity for years! Because of my physical challenges, I was unable to work as a waitress, cashier, etc. In my tiny little town, a very large percentage of the jobs available to college students were those I could not do. So, I didn't even bother applying to them. Back then, I was still set on working with kids, however, I could never get hired by local day cares. It used to make me so mad, knowing how good I was with kids, but constantly being shot down. Was it because of CP? I don't know, maybe. I just wanted a job. Volunteering was great, but it never lasted long. I remember filling out the third application for the call center (The Connection), feeling pretty discouraged, and un...

As we approach World CP Day, let me take a few minutes to reflect. There are many, many things that frustrate me about CP, but there are also many things I am grateful for: CP has allowed me to appreciate: I appreciate those in my life who take the time to listen; those who love me for me; I appreciate little moments; I appreciate struggle; I appreciate loneliness. CP has taught me empathy: The ability to not sympathize, but relate in a genuine way to others who may be facing challenges. CP has taught me perseverance: In all that I do, never giving up. I am not a quitter, I work harder because my life is harder. However, that is no excuse, I will push myself harder than anyone else ever could. CP has taught me patience: Much of my life has been spent waiting because I have had to depend on others. Patience is a virtue I have mastered. I am grateful for patience because I have had the opportunity to reflect.  CP has taught me how to become a great listener: Picking up sub...

Life's funny, isn't it? We live it, for the most part, love it, all the while, dealing with it. Recently, I took part in a driver's evaluation. The counselor in me was prepared for it, whatever the outcome. Jessica Dineen, the individual, was anything but prepared for the onslaught of emotion that came after the evaluation: the tears, the anger, the despair, the frustration, the anxiety, and the grief. As I began the evaluation, I was grateful that at least I wasn't alone- there was someone with me who could offer the moral support I needed to get started- someone who has offered much support, both professionally and personally in recent months. I have a hard time even articulating what the relationship means to me, but nonetheless, I am thankful for it. For so many, driving is a rite of passage, a natural progression in life. At 26, it seemed like the natural next step as I continue to work toward a greater sense of independence and freedom. Here I am- I have a g...

You know how sometimes people try to warn you about someone but you just have blinders on and refuse to listen to them? But then later on, you realize they were right? Recently, this happened to me. I closed the door on a beautiful friendship in order to  regain some of my self-worth, confidence, and voice back. It has been heartbreaking to recognize that in a way, I was subtly being taken advantage of- a hard pill to swallow for a girl who already perceives tremendous struggles with friendships. Certainly one of the hardest things I've had to do in awhile. But, I know I did what's best for me. And isn't it amazing, God has allowed me to see someone who I loathed just a few months before, in a whole new light. God knew what He was doing when he set all of these events in motion. This new relationship couldn't have come at a better time in my life. A void has been filled, a void that quite honestly I didn't even know existed. Be grateful for every single person i...

There's one thing I love to do, but usually cannot do on a regular basis for various reasons. Those who know me well, know that if I could swim every single day, I most certainly would. In water, I feel free and light. I don't need a walker, help, or a wheelchair. It's a beautiful thing, friends. Truly. My Mom and I were walking around town yesterday. How in the world did I not know there is a pool in Reynoldsville?! it gets better. It's two blocks from me and I can get there on my own! It gets better. There's a chair lift! I'll let that sink in for a minute. Okay, now you can imagine my pure excitement discovering this. Seriously, I'm smiling now just thinking about it and was so absolutely giddy as soon as I realized that this beautiful pool was accessible to me! Ask my Mom, I couldn't stop laughing yesterday. And when I woke up this morning, that was the first thing that I thought of. I kept saying, "How did I not know there was a pool in...

Lately, as sad as I am admitting this, the fear of the unknown has really grabbed my attention, but truly, I'm done ruminating on it. Yes, I have a physical disability, and yes, the changes in my body that I experience are absolutely terrifying at times. I will not sit idly by though and wait- I will push myself. Only then can I ensure that my physical challenges do not become me. It truly amazes me at times how vulnerable and broken we can become. Having a physical disability has never affected me so much- physically, emotionally, and mentally, I am at times overcome with an intense bitterness and sadness that I never thought possible. More than ever before, I am asking, "God, why me?" But, just as quickly, I snap out of it. God has never given me more than I can handle, nor will He ever. And when I succumb to sadness, it's amazing how He works. Placing people in my path to push me, to cheer me on, to listen. Yes, it's true, I don't like being thought o...

Yesterday marked an anniversary of sorts. I still remember every detail of that long ago Wednesday night prayer meeting like it was yesterday. For so many people, life took an unbelievable turn. A wife lost her husband. Loving parents lost their daughter. Sons lost their father. Grandchildren lost their grandpa. Siblings lost their brother and sister. A church lost their Pastor. And I lost a best friend. Lives were forever changed that night. Faith was tested, God's plan was doubted. Choices were made that affected countless lives. I don't think anyone thought that it would last as long as it has. For years, I begged and pleaded. God will have the last word, though. Of that I am sure. It's amazing how one event can effectively change your whole outlook on life and faith. I made a commitment that night to do my very best to live for God. If I can't live for God, how on earth can I expect Him to answer my prayers? Eight years later and in all actuality...

A little over eight months ago, I wrote a post titled, "On Cancer and Its Ugliness." Tonight, really, I find myself torn, broken, and overjoyed. I breathed a sigh of relief and exclaimed a "Thank you, Jesus" as I realized that Kevin is cancer free. At the end of a very long day, it was the news I was hoping and praying for. Praise the LORD for his faithfulness and answered prayer. A little while later, I saw the post on Facebook from Kevin, and again, I could do nothing but smile. As I refreshed my news feed though, I literally cried out to God. It is amazing how quickly our attitudes toward cancer can change. On one hand, I am so happy. On the other, I am numb. Sweet Molly is quickly losing her battle, and although I have never met this friend of a friend, I could do nothing but cry bitter, angry tears. Molly, just eight short months ago was a healthy, happy five year old. DIPG is quickly claiming her life, and I just can't stop asking, "Why, God? Why?...

A year ago Tuesday, I ventured down to DuBois meeting my new coworkers for the first time while also trying desperately to find an apartment. At the end of a very long, cold day, I found the perfect one. I went home that night, and for the first time, it actually hit me: my life was about to change like it never had before. I was terrified, excited, and thought for sure OVR would call me the next day and take their offer back- I couldn't imagine why they chose little old me for such a great first "real" job! I never would have survived the first six weeks on my own without Leila- it's a miracle she didn't kill me- I'm not the easiest roommate! Helping me adjust to being on my own, getting me to and from work each day, and so much more! My Mom- holy cow- I never give her enough credit! Truth be told, who knows where I'd be without her! Many a conversation has been had in the last year- I'm so thankful for her never ending love and support. She helpe...