Just a Thought or Two

Like 2018 before it, 2019 was a year of change. But perhaps life is settling, perhaps I am not as overwhelmed as we come into 2020. I am still amazed that this is my life. It has been quite the journey, especially for the last six years, and I am so blessed to be in this place, to be back home. Many of the memories I have had over the last year were possible because of that. Have there been tears? Yes. Have there been frustrations? Yes. But more than any of that, there has been so much joy, so many laughs. There have been many vulnerabilities that led to some hurts, but those vulnerabilities also have allowed me to grow. It is no secret that I often feel like relationships or friendships are a tremendous struggle for me. But I am grateful for each and every one, for each has most certainly shaped me into the person I am heading into the new year. While the last several months have been heartbreaking in a way, and some friendships have shifted, I am still eternally grateful. The l...

Sometimes words fail us. Sometimes we feel like we are losing control. Sometimes we make a mistake, making a choice with a consequence that feels like it will last forever. Sometimes we would do just about anything to go back in time, perhaps making a different choice. Sometimes we beg for understanding, for forgiveness, to no avail. Sometimes we need to let go, even if in the moment, it feels like the hardest thing we will ever do. Sometimes trusting God is the only thing we can do. Sometimes all we can do is move forward, trusting our resiliency, trusting Jesus to help us, recognizing that in the grand scheme of this thing called life, this hurt is miniscule. But perhaps we need to give ourselves a little grace. It is okay for us to grieve our hurts, to shed our tears, to vent, to tell our friends and confidants that we feel like we are falling apart. But always rise up, be resilient, and trust Him, because life doesn't have the power to knock us off our feet, even if we do fe...

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves being drawn to certain people, and sometimes it's difficult. Relationships and friendships, may always be a struggle, but I think at some point we just adapt. Life can be difficult, but God places incredible people in our lives to support us, to listen, and laugh with us. First and foremost, let's remember that no person on this earth will be a closer friend than Jesus Himself. Let's fight for the friendships in our lives, let's talk through difficult times, through conflicts. Be spontaneous, show up, be present, don't give up. Give space, but remain consistent. Life is difficult, conflicts will happen, but life is short, so don't give up on the people in our lives. When all you can do is cry and your heart may be breaking, turn to Jesus. Let Him wipe your tears. When you're confused about which way is up, trying to make sense of a situation, of sadness, turn to Jesus.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I was born 40-50 years ago as a person with a disability. Would I have my Master's Degree? Would I even have had the opportunity to go to college? Although pondering life's what-if's can take us down a dangerous path, a dose of healthy perspective can do us all good. Words cannot adequately express my frustrations, both as a Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor and as a person with a disability. I have been working on this post for a couple days, and even right now I worry that the wrong message will be conveyed. My goal in the work I do has always been to give people with disabilities the opportunity to try to work and realize their goals of employment, despite limitations they may have. I strive to advocate, to encourage, to hold my customers to high expectations, to help and support them in whatever way I can in the sometimes scary world of work. It is incredibly frustrating to me that today, in the year 2019, there are...

The process is important, so why is it that the "failure" of those we help in our jobs, in our lives, is so profound? Why is it that we feel so defeated? It's because we become so invested in the successes, the strengths, the struggles, that they become ours to bare. And I think that's okay, it's helpful, it demands a level of empathy to push us on, to keep us on the journey of helping. But let's not stay there, let's take  in the struggles and the most difficult "failures" so we can examine the beauty of the process. Let's appreciate the lessons learned, the lessons taught, the battles won, the war we still fight. In every battle we fight, win or lose, there is still great value in the process, because if those we fight for, disappoint us or "fail," if we maintain the empathy that is demanded of us, we will undoubtedly recognize that those who "fail" us have even still made tremendous gains. Perhaps then, when they come...

In December, I decided to deactivate my Facebook. It had become something that was no longer good for me. Each time I found myself scrolling, I almost always came away with sadness. Certainly by no fault of anyone else using Facebook, but  it was just difficult for me to see certain things. I realized that I didn't want or need to see posts about everyone else's lives. For someone who for too long has had low self-esteem, it had just become too much. I just wanted to focus on the here and now. I no longer wanted to feel like I was missing out. And I figured if I needed to know something, someone would tell me. It has been one of the best decisions I could have made, freeing in a way. I'll never go back. It's just not something I miss. Almost a month ago, I just decided I needed a break from technology. I was finding myself becoming frustrated with people constantly looking at their phones while in the presence of others. I wondered if that's how I appear when I...

My Great-Grandma, Lois Fish, was an amazing woman. I have many memories of spending time at her house when I was younger, memories of playing on her back porch, memories of her coming to our house to sit with my sisters and I. In later years, I enjoyed calling her, going to visit her, and making her cookies. I cannot believe she is gone. Still so fresh in my mind, I wanted to write down what I could in an effort to record my memories so as to not forget. Oh how I wish I would have done so when my Grandma Dineen died 20 years ago. Every time I called my Grandma, she was truly so thrilled to hear from me. She was so lonely in recent years, and each time I ended the call, I promised myself I'd call her sooner than I had in the past. I spoke with her more than most, but as I reflect, it just wasn't enough. When I moved back home, I was so excited because I could spend more time with her. I can count on one hand the number of times I went to visit her on my own in the last yea...

Five years ago, had anyone asked me where I’d be five years later, I promise, it wasn’t with OVR. Five years ago tonight, on the eve of my first day of work, I was thankful I wasn’t alone. Thankful my sister was there with me- that she was there for those first six weeks was such a God-send as I began the next chapter of my life. As I was readying for bed on that night, I laid out my Grandma’s sweatshirt, the one I have had for 20 years. I put it on, I needed to feel her love. Throughout the last five years, the support of my family has ensured my success. In the beginning, it was giving me rides, both to and from work, and to and from Edinboro during my internship, getting my groceries, helping me clean, helping me decorate, visiting me, staying with me for a week so we could brainstorm why I was falling so often, driving two hours to help me get off the floor, helping me get myself to the store, helping me discover a pool, etc. So many things that laid the foundation for...

With 2019 right in front of me, I find myself reflecting on 2018. So many things changed this year, changes that needed to happen in order for me to continue on this journey called life. I moved home, and truthfully, looking back on it, I wonder how in the world I managed to be two hours away from home for four years. As soon as I moved home, I instantly felt so much better. Sure, I was incredibly overwhelmed with the change, but I no longer felt the overwhelming sadness I had become accustomed to. Few knew the sadness I felt, and I struggled to understand much of it. In 2018, I become braver. And slowly, and even now into the new year, I'm trying to let go of insecurities that often cripple me. I laughed a lot in 2018, I was happier, even on the hardest, toughest days. I worked hard to connect to those around me, instead of connecting on Facebook (deleting it was the best thing I could have done). I tried harder to stick up for myself to people who hurt me with their words. I ...