Just a Thought or Two

2024 has been beautiful and painful, amazing and heartbreaking. I hold tight to the people who have helped me grow, helped me process. At times, I didn't think I'd get to this point. In many ways, 2024 broke me. But, it allowed me to heal in real and (hopefully) lasting ways, too. It opened the door for a perspective that I didn't know I was capable of. I was able to build on improved communication skills, looking at things through a Biblical lens, realizing that the majority of the people in my life are not trying to intentionally hurt me. Perhaps this has been the biggest win for me in 2024, or maybe it's that and the fact that even still, it is okay that I'm sensitive. I feel deeply and sometimes have a hard time with those feelings. But, those feelings, coupled with being sensitive, have allowed me to develop deep friendships and relationships, to be truly present, even from miles apart. I don't know what the next 12 months will bring, but regardless, I thin...

As I've prepared to write this post, the words haven't come easily. Does that mean my 2023 was uneventful? Unimportant? No.  I know God became very real to me in the last 12 months because I finally stopped running from Him. I surrendered to Him in a way I hadn't in a very long time, allowing myself to get involved in church again, ever reminded of His unending grace. There is such freedom in complete surrender. I developed some beautiful relationships- some that sustained me for a season, and still others that are sure to last a lifetime. I am reminded of my small group of core friends and mentors: those who I feel closest to, those I feel safe with, those who I can be vulnerable with, regardless of the distance between us. I owe so much to each of them as they have allowed me to process, as they have let me cry, let me vent, moving through 2023 with me, looking ahead to 2024. I often have a hard time articulating just how much they mean to me, but the deep connections I h...

 I've wanted to write this for so long, but the words never come. It's as if writing this means saying hello to the new, but also with that comes a goodbye I'm not sure my heart can handle. God has been working on my heart for over a year, beginning first with the unexpected death of my Grandpa, but culminating in a very unexpected conversation which reminded me in a very real way that I was running from God, that my heart was no longer "in" my relationship with Christ: realizing that Jesus was the furthest thing from the center of my life, realizing that my testimony was effectively down the drain, not because I was living in some gross sin, but because I was living a very lukewarm version of Christianity. As I went to bed that night, I wept for what was to come, for what I knew I needed to do. It's amazing how when our hearts are right with God, when we have a desire to live for Him, we see life through that lens, how when we are vulnerable, our hearts can h...

 I recently learned of a young woman who intentionally drove her power wheelchair into the lake in Edinboro. This woman, not much older than myself, whom I did not know, has been on my mind nonstop. I suppose it is because of the parallels in our lives: age, cerebral palsy, Edinboro, some of the same interests, etc. It's haunting in many, many ways. My heart breaks for her and her family. The demons of life must have been too much, but I pray that she knew Jesus, for now she is resting in His arms- able to walk and move freely without the struggles of disability. If I could talk to her, I think this is what I would say: As you were wheeling around Edinboro that day, I wish someone could have known you needed to be heard. Did you have an opportunity to call someone? Did you send a text message to a friend? As the pressures of life boiled over, could you feel His presence surround you? With your last breath, with your last thought, did you want to fight? I'm sorry that you felt a...

It feels like 2022 just began, but soon it will be gone. I think back to the first half of the year and seem to remember being a bit more relaxed than I am at this moment. In the second half of this year, it's as if I became a different person in ways that I didn't anticipate. I found myself even more aware of the preciousness of life, and in some ways, the true finality of life has terrified me. Is that healthy? Probably not, but it's where my heart is. I found myself developing even deeper relationships with my parents, truly appreciating their presence in my life on a different level. Conversations with my grandparents are sweeter than before May 10th. As I write this, I am realizing I don't remember my last conversation with my Grandpa and that saddens me to my core. There have been some truly sweet memories made this year- ones I hope to remember for years to come. Times with the kiddos in my life have been bittersweet- moments reminding me of my desire to have kid...

Last week I stumbled upon a video of someone taking an Uber in Phoenix. This wasn't just any Uber- it was a self-driving car. A few years ago, someone shared with me that they had taken one while in Pittsburgh. I was amazed, but didn't really think much of it. But, watching that video? I was giddy- I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Is it possible that soon I could have that, too? Is it possible that I'll have that freedom someday? I can only hope. As I watched it for the first time, smiling from ear-to-ear, I also found myself becoming emotional. In that moment, I thought of the one person I wanted to share it with, knowing though I couldn't just send it to him.  It's been about six months since losing my Grandpa, and though I know where he is- knowing he's with Jesus- at that time, I wanted desperately to share that with him. No person believed I would have the ability to drive a self-driving car more than he did. He reminded me of it almost every time I t...