Just a Thought or Two

This year, it was so easy to get caught up in the hard, but I have realized that only focusing on the hard meant missing the joy- the little things that turned into the big things, the seemingly unimportant moments that quickly turned into life-changing moments. I remember so many laughs in January .  I remember allowing myself to dream.  I remember allowing myself to relax.  I remember many phone conversations filled with laughter, realizing yet again that friendship has a healing power; I remember being terrified that I was going to mess something up (sometimes I still am). In February, I remember anxiety surrounding my living situation. I remember a birthday chat with my sweet R, thankful that I have such a sweet relationship with her, and grateful that at 12 years old she thinks it's still cool to talk to me. I remember so many conversations with one of my girls as she transitioned into motherhood, encouraging her as she navigated a difficult relationship, reminding h...

 Sometimes in life things happen that seem to set the course for many things to come as far as how we might react. Good or bad, these reactions can at times be traced back in someway to an event. To think about it in those terms is sobering. Often, this is when our insecurities are born. And so, it can be exhausting sometimes, okay, all the time. But, when we can begin to truly overcome even some of the insecurities, there is joy on the other side, friends. Real joy. And peace. So much peace. Are the insecurities still there? Yes. Will they ever disappear? Probably not. But, when we are open about them, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and when we allow ourselves to trust, we can begin to heal. There is beauty in vulnerability.  When we allow ourselves to be open, vulnerable and trust, even if it's just a little, we begin to see that even if we're scared, we can still be safe. And when we're safe, it's so much easier to explore our insecurities, it's easier...

In recent years, I have been made more aware of just how polarized our world has become. More and more, especially now, in the never ending craziness that is 2020, we are being forced to choose sides, to always speak up, telling others they must speak out. Today, it is commonplace for people to choose sides, often then refusing to listen to an opposing view.  But worse than that, we live in a world that, saddest of all, is forcing us to choose  a side over our friends. Increasingly, we live in a world where it is no longer acceptable to have friends who believe differently than us, even in the slightest of ways, big or small. We are repeatedly told by those in our lives who to talk to, who to befriend. And we are shamed when we dare go outside of the norm- that hurts on a deep level. Why must we choose between our church and our friends? Why must one not be allowed to go to the movies with a friend simply because their parents have made different choices than what some may dee...

Last night I learned that one of my high school classmates overdosed, and although initially the news didn't hit me hard, today, I am reminded of how short life is, and how in a moment, our worlds can be turned on their axes. In a moment, a baby girl has been left without a Mama, and a young girl who is wise beyond her years now has to navigate life without her Mom who was her safe place, a devoted husband is left to pick up the pieces of a life cut too short so unnecessarily. Heartbroken and weary, I ask, "Why Lord?" I take comfort in knowing that she knew Jesus. Though we may not have talked in almost 15 years, I grieve with her family and her closest friends who must begin without her this side of Heaven. Life is so short in the grand scheme of things. Let's live it to the fullest, let's spread love, let's talk about Jesus, let's truly live for others, let's laugh, let's listen, let's carry each other in our darkest hours, and let's appr...

Tonight I am reflecting on 18 years of memories. Tonight I am sad. Tonight I am grateful. Tonight I am blessed. Almost 18 years ago to the day, I met my sweet girls for the first time- the girls that have affected me more than any other humans on the planet. It's hard for me to believe that they've been a part of my life for almost two decades. When I met them, the love was instantaneous. Life was difficult for them. To say they were in a broken home is an understatement. Being a part of their lives gave me a front row seat to the horrors of abuse. My heart broke over and over, I looked on in horror as their little bodies were scarred, I wept at the verbal abuse. I cherished the hugs, I held onto hearing their voices. I was grateful to talk to CPS caseworkers, but it was a lot for a teen to take in. My girls they will forever be, and so often I am frustrated they are in this continuous cycle of seemingly endless struggle. They're not little anymore, my three little babies h...

Maybe through this craziness we will appreciate just a little more. We will appreciate the impromptu visits, Friday lunches, breakfast surprises. And maybe we will hug each other just a bit longer. Maybe the "I love you's" will be cherished just a little more. Maybe the laughter will be louder. Maybe the tears just a little less. And maybe we will be more spontaneous. Maybe we will send just one more card, one more random gift. Maybe we will look at our phones just a little less at dinner. Maybe we will use our phones a bit more for true connection. And maybe we will love a little harder. Maybe we will sit a bit closer. Maybe the craziness of this quarantine will be the greatest blessing we all need to refocus on what matters most.

People in my crazy life would say that I always have a great, positive attitude, that I love to laugh, and am very resilient. I strive to be positive in life, because otherwise it can be downright depressing and maddening. People would be quick to point out that I have overcome many challenges, that I have achieved many things, despite some obvious (and not so obvious) struggles. In overcoming challenges, I am repeatedly reminded of the importance of surrounding myself with people who can help me stay positive, people who like me, love to laugh, people who can vent and move on, processing, and always learning. Life is so hard and sometimes we find ourselves in situations where all we can focus on is negativity.  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. The people you spend the most time with shape who you are." Sometimes I find myself focusing too much on the hard, the overwhelming, the impossible. When those feelings come, let's reframe. ...

It's funny how different dates stick out in our minds, dates we will likely always remember. Today, I am reminiscent of this day six years ago when I travelled to find an apartment in preparation for my internship. At the end of a long day, I found the perfect apartment, one that would be mine for two and a half years. That seems so long ago, that date, that time in my life. The one that served as the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I am so grateful for the stability I now feel thanks to the tremendous changes that have taken place over the last six years. Very few people in my life know how much I have struggled, mostly internally, in this job. It has been a lot for me to manage, and most times I feel like I am failing. I think though that's been common in my life in general. It has been a constant battle for me to recognize my own strengths. However, it is a battle I keep fighting, because I will not give up. I am grateful that slowly, in the last six years, mor...