On Friendship

In my experience, and that of those who I've talked to, many individuals with disabilities struggle to relate or connect to their peer group.

As a child growing up, I always preferred to talk to those who were older than I was. Don't get be wrong, I had friends my age for sure, but  by and large if put in a group of people, I will automatically gravitate toward older people. By older, I mean 10+ years my senior. I just really struggle to relate to my peers. I really, really try, and that makes it all the more frustrating!

When going through school, especially in high school, it really began to hit me that I was socially awkward in this way. I found myself getting so caught up in relationships. I really thought that my teachers were some of my closest friends. It was so very hard for me to realize that these incredible people who I will forever be grateful for, were my mentors, not my friends. At this point, I am blessed to say that some of those relationships have turned into genuine friendships. But going through those years in high school were incredibly difficult. My senior year in high school was especially difficult and made it that much easier to gravitate toward older people.

In college, it was the same thing, and I hated it, not because I didn't appreciate those relationships, but because I knew those relationships weren't actually friendships per se.

I'm finding myself  falling into the same pattern at work. But, I think it's okay because the dynamics are different. I'm a coworker, not a student.

I recently had an aha moment with one of the very best friends I could ever have. In talking about our relationship quandaries, we decided that we gravitate to older  people because when kids our age were doing things we couldn't do, where were we? Usually with the adults listening to their conversations. So, as we aged, we automatically gravitated toward older people because that's what we were used to. Processing that has really helped me at least understand why I am like I am.

I go through spurts of accepting my social awkwardness and really hating it. And I'll be honest in admitting that it usually hits me the hardest when I haven't taken the time I need with God in reading His word and talking to him in prayer. 

I know that Jesus Christ is the only friend I need and that I cannot allow myself to get caught up in such minute things, I know that so many people look up to me. I know that so many people would do anything for me.

Seven years ago, my life was turned upside down when my best friend had an affair with our Pastor. After that, my social awkwardness was heightened to a whole new level. Sometimes I don't think I could recognize a healthy friendship if I saw one.

Often I am so afraid of screwing up that I over compensate. I'm a very thoughtful person and am always looking for ways to let others know I appreciate them. And then out of the blue, I often worry that I have become a burden. It just turns into a cycle that I hate.

Recently I traveled to a three day conference where my inability to connect with my peers really bothered me. I dined with them, talked to them, made an effort to find common ground. I enjoyed their company, I just felt as though I didn't belong. I found myself being drawn into conversations with the older staff all too often.

The last evening of the training, I came back to my hotel room almost in tears because I was so frustrated with myself. The funny thing about the day was that my battery was less than 10% the entire day because for whatever reason, I couldn't get my phone to charge the night before. So, I left the hotel deciding that I'd put my phone in Airplane mode which saves the battery tremendously because no calls or texts can be received. The point of the story: God has a sense of humor. At the very moment I began to feel bad for myself, I took my phone out of airplane mode. As I plugged in my phone and began checking facebook, texts, etc. I noticed that I had received a text. Now, because my phone was in airplane mode all day, I have no idea when the message was actually sent. It was a simple message asking how I was doing and how the training was going. But with everything that was going on in my crazy head, it was exactly what I needed- I burst into tears just because it meant so much. It was as if God said, "Cheer up, Jess. You DO have friends, who cares if they're older. You're older now, too!"

Does it honestly really matter?! At this point, is it such a big deal?! That last evening allowed me to reflect: I have friends, and yes, many of them are not in my peer group, but who cares?! I have so many people who care for me in a way that I can't even fathom! And, most importantly, God is still on the throne, working in mysterious ways in order to prove to us that it really will be okay!

"and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."